Don't wake me, I plan on sleeping in.

Poopie.

Self-hatred. I have really been disliking myself lately. I dunno what it is. I have been feeling so fat lately that all I ever want to wear it a t-shirt and my hoodie. I haven't even gained one pound though but when I look in the mirror or even the way I feel, it feels as if ive gained like 20. Bleh. Been feeling so ugly lately that I don't even see the point in wearing makeup anymore because I still feel ugly.

This anxiety is building up. I feel like i'm gonna get pregnant because that's just the way my life fucking goes. I know there isn't really a chance of me getting pregnant but I think about it all the time. I'm praying that I really don't and I wish I could just go get a test and find out instead of me worrying to death until my holy period comes. It's literally nerve wrecking and I can't stop having this terrible nausea. Fuck, I hate this. Ugh I really dislike that guy. THIS FUCKING NIGGA HOW THE FUCK IS HE GONNA FUCKING HIT IT AND QUIT IT THEN FUCKING DELETE ME OFF FACEBOOK WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I really wanted to just text him and fucking let him feel my fucking wrath but I really didn't feel like dealing with that shit so I won't but fucking still. Good lord, I'm glad I won't have to see him next year.

If I don't end up pregnant, I am promising to stay off guys because lord knows the only reason I am ever even attracted is because i'm lonely and ill kiss any guy that gives me attention. I'm going strictly girls and hopefully i'll be able to stay that way. I really want a kitten so fucking bad. :(

Just fucking fuck everything. I'm so glad its almost summer so I don't have to pay attention to the world.

My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the empire state.

So, I just looked through my blog and I saw the post before this was about you. It's funny how I tricked myself into thinking I liked you so much when I really didn't like you at all. oh okay. Awk.

It's a common thing to be out of line but it's getting old by the fifteenth time.

I've been contemplating on whether or not I should make a new blog or not. I decided against it. I don't feel like it.

It seems that I haven't written on here for forever because I don't think I was able to describe what I was feeling then put it into words. I should probably start from the beginning. I lost my virginity with someone I didn't love. The weird thing about it is that at first, like right after I did it, I was kind of regretting it. I don't regret it at all actually. Well, I mean, unless I get prego or something then I might... actually even if I do get prego I still wouldn't. It was a sort of hit it and quit it kind of thing. We haven't talked for quite sometime and it's weird because i'm okay with it. I didn't even cry over him when he ignored me. All I really feel is awkwardness. I was probably bad at sex but whatever I guess. Lord, I feel so lonely. This sounds kind of odd but I don't think I would mind having a baby. I can't wait til i'm old enough to have a child. That child will be the most loved child in the whole world. I'm going to do my best to never let my child feel as lonely as I do. Bolding this so I can remember. I hate talking to my feelings about anyone. "what's wrong?" "are you okay?" "you can talk to me about it." Is what I hear everyday. "Nothing is wrong, i'm just tired." constant lying. I hate talking about my feelings. "You're just being emotional." Fuck you. Fuck my feelings. Better yet, just fuck everything because i'm just an emotional fuck. Jeordin called me a dumbass. She told me I don't know the meaning of lonely. I guess so. After I had sex, I got high. Came to school high. I don't know why I haven't done this before. Going to school high is so great. I'm always over thinking, over analyzing everything but when I was high it was like.... I stopped thinking. It was great. I wish I was good enough for someone. I fucking suck. Why can't I be skinny. I just want to be a little pretty at least. I want someone to tell me i'm beautiful. I want to feel like someone actually cares about me. Who does? No one. It seems as if that every time I blog, i;m always crying while writing. Why do I even blog anymore. What am I doing. I started gaining a lot of weight. I'm surprised my parents didn't say anything about it. I was wearing this shirt that used to fit me pretty good but now it doesn't. Skinny skinny skinny skinny skinny skinny skinny. Maybe if I say it enough times, I can actually put my mind to it and do it. Maybe. All I do is come home and sleep. I wish I could sleep forever. I wish I could skip school everyday and just sleep. I guess that's enough of my depression post for today. Why am I always depressed? The ugliest of people usually are.

You

Good lord. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't stop thinking about you. I like you so much but I can't do shit about it. It makes me so mad. Everytime I see you, my heart does these little flip things. I don't want to fall in love and I hope that's not where im headed. I hope this is just a crush I will get over in time. I seriously don't know what to do about you but I feel like if I do nothing, this will just be shit til I get over it. I like you so much ugh.

Fucking ovaries. Why was I born a girl.

Holy fuck.

Shit fuck.

Everything has been pissing me off lately.

I hate that you think you're alone WHEN IM RIGHT FUCKING HERE. I hate the fact that no matter how hard I try, I cant ever get through. I've been on this subject for far too long and I don't understand why it still upsets me THIS FUCKING MUCH.

I can't fucking wait til summer. School is taking too fucking long. Next year WILL be the best year of my life. I do not fucking care. I will make it the best because its going to be my last year. After that, im fucking gone.

Why the fuck is Hannah doing this. I can't believe she lied to me. If she would have told me the truth, I wouldn't have cared. I can't believe she lied to Eliza too. I hope after all her new little weed buddies leaves her and fucks her over and she has no one left and she comes to Eliza, I fucking hope Eliza turns her back on her because she is fucking stupid.

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday dear nothing, Happy birthday to me.

I dont think i'm able to put what I feel into words. Today was my birthday. Why I thought it wasnt going to be horrible like the others, I dont know.

There are days when I really want to die and that's all I ever think about. There are days when I really want to start cutting again and if I see a razor, im probably going to use it. Today is one of those days. Ive actually been having a lot of those days lately.

ugh Mikalani. I like him so much but I always feel so awkward and not good enough and just stupid around him. I don't even want to try anymore because its so hard.

I've missed you so much. I'm glad you are in my life again because I need you now more than ever. Im kind of scared that the paper I turned in for English might have been a little too personal. I was crying while writing it. If she asks, ill tell her that its fiction.

I came home and cried my eyes out. After I was done, my dad asked me to come help do something. Neither of my parents told me happy birthday today.

So the hell with all that rubbish.

Lord. Why did I fall for you? You aren't even that great but it seems every time I look, I can't find anyone better. le sigh.

My family is getting worse. Or should I say my dad. I dont know. I guess both. My dad is never really home most of the time and when we is, he drinks a lot and he is a jerk to everyone. It makes me so mad. He is a jerk to me all the fucking time but he wants so much out of me. Like what the fuck. Are you supposed to make me like you by calling me names and treating me like shit. Is calling me fat supposed to make me get up and do some exercise? All it does is make me wanna sit in my room and cry. It makes me wanna eat and eat. You've been like this ever since I was a little girl. What happened to the nice you? What happened to the guy that was my dad when my real dad wasnt there for me? Now all you do is drink and say how much you hate your life. My life isnt easy either. You don't make it easier by making me feel bad about myself. All you do is make me wanna leave.

I know this isnt the right thing to do but I feel that I should. I know that one of these days, your world will come crashing down on you. I know that it feels nice now but it won't last forever. Nothing does. I made the mistake of believing it does and when it actually ended, I turned around to see no one there to help me. This is how you will end up. When you need me, I promise you that my back will turn. Right now, its simply too hard and impossible for me to avoid you. Its too hard to fix our schedule that we have down and right now, im sure I only have you but id rather have no one than have you because having you makes me hurt so much more. I wish you would only let go of me. You pay no attention to me. You don't see how much im hurting. I know you want to be there for me but I dont feel that its out of actual care or love. I think its just because its your personality. If that's the reason, which I know it is, then you can leave.

I dont want anyone in my life that doesnt matter. That's why im not friends with matthew anymore. If I come second, you dont matter. If you want to bring me down, you don't matter. If you wanna be a bitch, you dont matter. Lately, it seems many people have not mattered. This hurts now, but I know this is for the best. I know this will make me stronger which is the only reason why im doing this. All my life ive surrounded myself with people who don't matter. This will end. Im almost in college. This is bullshit. I know that i'm pushing everyone away. I know that i'm making myself be alone. Im deadly afraid of being alone. I guess though, if I havent killed myself yet than I must be getting somewhere. Dont complain that I push people away when you are pushing me away. I'm not pushing anyone away, im just not putting up with your shit anymore.

One year. One year and I will be gone.

Be strong now, because things will get better. It might stormy now, but it can't rain forever.

Help i'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer.

I wanna be better than you. I wanna be so much better that I won't have to compare myself to you all the time.

There are days when I feel bad about being bitch. There are days when I just don't care and feel like telling everyone to go fuck themselves. I don't think I can put into words how much I hate labels. The term 'bisexual' is extremely offensive to me. If you like the same sex, even if you still like the opposite, you are still gay to me. There is no pansexual, bisexual, none of that shit in my vocabulary. It pisses me off so much. Yeah, im confused on what I want. It seems one day, all I want is girls but then some guy comes along and I think "hm, maybe I could date him." A lot of the times, I think that I don't really like that person at all but im just tired of being alone. Sometimes, I can't wait til I leave here. I just got here. I've only been here for a year and I already can't wait to leave. I'm stuck on trying to make myself look better and be better but I don't really think im doing it for myself. Im doing it because I want to be better than her. Im doing so maybe, MAYBE someone might see me and think im cute and talk to me or something. Im confused with myself. I dont know what I want, who I am, anything.

I think im just nothing.

Everyone hates me. ok.

Lindsay has been ignoring me. Everytime I try and talk to her, ignored. I thought she just didn't feel like talking to me at first but then this morning she snapped on me when I was talking to Marley. I said "I hate when people use yolo as an excuse to do a bunch of shit" because we were talking about yolo and Lindsay was like "I hate when other people call people whores." I think she was talking about how I call her a WHORE-ibble person but I thought that was mine and hers inside joke :( Maybe she is just upset because of her girlfriend. Eh, I don't even feel like dealing with it. I guess she can hate me. I won't talk to her anymore -.-

I thought me and Matthew were doing fine. We werent talking to each other but we werent being bitches to each other either. Well, until today. He keeps whispering to Jessica everytime I say something. I dont understand why he just doesnt say it out loud because Jessica is closer to me than she is him so of coarse she is going to tell me either way. He is just being a bitch I guess. I don't know why. When he texted me and said that he wanted to be friends again and I said no, I thought we were okay and at least going to be civil. I guess that's too much to ask of a drama queen.

I guess its whatever. Today was a better day than yesterday was. Im still pretty tired but at least I havent cried at all today. For some reason I really started to miss my uncle today. I wanna see him. I dont know why just because our whole family doesnt like him, I cant talk to him. I love him for his flaws and all his mistakes even though they were really bad.. I dont care. le sigh.

And how am I supposed to pretend I never wanna see you again?

April 2nd. A day I have been dreading. Thank the lord it is finally over though.

I wanted to make a new blog but I dont think I should. Ill probably forget about this one and I wanna see/keep all of my blog posts. Also, im too lazy to make another blog and I keep wanting to but ya know.. -.-

This day was as shitty as I thought it would be. All during spring break, I went to sleep at 5am and woke up at 3pm everyday. Naturally, I didnt get tired until 5am yesterday and thats what time I had to get up so I basically pulled an all nighter throughout school. I was hoping today would be a good day but then I was reminded of how much I hate school. Fuck. Why can't I be a senior so I can be graduating in 36 days BUT NO I have a whole nother year. I was so tired. Everything was going by like a blur. I don't even remember half of the stuff I did. I was so tired that I wouldnt stop laughing in my last period and I was completely out of it. Kim was like "go get me so eggs" and I brought back some butter. I kept messing up on everything.

A year ago from today, Morgan asked me out. I wish I didnt remember. I wish I could forget everything. She probably didnt remember. I prayed that she wouldnt be here today but I was let down. She always comes on the days I don't want her to. I think I started crying a little bit when I saw her but I don't remember. For some reason, I kept looking at her hands. I remember when we were going out, my fav thing was to hold her hand. I loved her hands. FUCK MAN. Why do I think about things that hurt me? Why are you putting me through this. I dont understand what help this brings me. To face my fears? UGH I DONT KNOW FUCK JESSICA YOU CONFUSE ME WITH YOUR CLICHES.

Jeordin is moving on Monday. I dont know what im going to do. She doesnt want people to know and act any different around her but of coarse people will pay more attention to her. When you have the last piece of candy you like to savor it before you eat it. I dont know. I feel as if Jeordin was a big part of my life here. Jeordin was one of the first people ive ever met. If it wasnt for Jeordin I would have never met Morgan. Jeordin has made me feel better so many times. I look up to her so much. I don't want to believe that im never gonna see her again. Im confused on why im even so close to her though and why she means so much to me. It wasnt like we were best friends so why does her going away make me so upset? Im going to miss her with all my heart. I love you, Jeordin.

I came home and maxxie left this big pile of shit in her cage for me to clean up. Greta decided she wanted to get out of her cage and got the poop all over the cage so I had to clean the cage too. She tore up all the garden stuff in the garage that I didnt even see until mom pointed it out. Then, she got out of our fence and got filthy and ran away from me while the neighbors saw me chase her around. After I finally got everything cleaned up, I sat on the couch and cried. Jeordin texted me and I got to see Sarah's boobs. She'll probably regret putting them on the internet later. I sat down and did a little of my homework. I still have yet to do all of it which I probably wont do now because I don't feel like it. I went upstairs to sleep for a little bit because I havent slept all day. I woke up at 11pm and came downstairs hungry as fuck. My mom wouldnt let me eat anything because she said it was too late and I was like "well wtf why didnt you wake me up when dinner was ready?". She has been being really mean like all week. Her period should be over by now -.- I dont even know. I dont wanna be at school because it fucking sucks. I dont wanna be at home because it fucking sucks. But I dont know where I wanna be. Somewhere where im happy I guess. Im never happy though.

I can do this by myself. Just you sit and watch.

If my life is mine, what shouldn't I do?

I feel weird blogging on here now.

I should probably be outside right now. Everyday i'm stuck in this house doing nothing but sitting here. My mom wants me to clean but I think its fucking stupid for me to be spening my spring break cleaning. Its already Friday and I have not done one single fun thing. Sitting here by myself in this house is driving me crazy. All I can do is get on facebook and see all the pictures and status's of everyone having fun at the fucking beach or some where else fun. I love facebook but sometimes its hard to take. What I started to look forward to is going outside at night. The night before last, Josh asked me to come outside and walk with him. I did. He told me about all his troubles. I tried to tell him about mine but it didnt seem he was listening or he was just waiting for me to get done so he could talk. I was fine with just listening. Im glad I could help at least one person. Just keep your own feelings to yourself. Everyone else is too busy dealing with their own problems to think about yours. You can see the stars so clearly from my neighborhood. Its beautiful. I love it so much. I started going walking every night because of it. Oh and the toads. There are way too many toads in my neighborhood. and they are so loud :/ idk how people even sleep. But they always go out on the road which I think is dumb because they always get ran over. I saw 4 dead frogs on the road and I didn't get to see any live ones. I was so disappointed. Maybe i'll see one today :3 Yep. So I guess thats pretty much my spring break. blehhh.

We're all so close yet so far apart.

I miss you.
Why does this happen? Why do I go a long time without thinking of you and then all of I sudden, I look at you and all the memories come back? I miss you so much. I miss all of the moments we had. I always over think this. I always look into it and just try to find a reason behind it like "oh, I only miss her because of the memories we had" blahblahblah. Why can't I just accept it? I love you. I still love you and probably always will. The problem is, I can't have you and probably never will. I hate when I see you and you make my heart go all sidsoidoso like it used to but you don't care. You don't even look at me anymore. I want that look that you used to give me back. Why am I even thinking like this? Its no use. You love her. She still loves her ex. and I love you.

Its a shame I have no friends. Today, I really felt alone. Jessica wasnt at school. We arent close anymore. I really do hate it. One thing I long the most for is that one bestfriend. That bestfriend that we do everything together and so much shit together. A bestfriend I can text all the time and we can laugh and have inside jokes. I want that so badly. I want that more than anything else.

I really wanted to go to prom. I look so ugly though. I hate how fat I am. I want to be skinny so bad and I know what I have to do, I just don't feel like doing it. I can't bring myself to not eat because I love food so much and I don't want to exercise because im lazy. Even if I lose weight I probably still won't be pretty. I wanted prom to be that one night I can get all ready for and I can feel like the prettiest girl in the world. I knew it wasn't going to happen this year which was why I didn't wanna go. Also, I didn't have anyone to go with. Going to prom by yourself is depressing. I wanted to have a bunch of friends to go with too. I don't have any friends. Jessica and Hayden were talking about all the stuff they were going to do for prom. I wanted to sit there and bawl my eyes out.

I stopped caring about everything. I thought I was depressed before but I think this is what true depression feels like. I just don't care. I stopped caring about my grades. I stop caring who likes me and who doesnt. I stopped caring who I hurt. I just wanna go to sleep. Forever and ever. Never wake up because in my dreams i'm who I wanna be. I have who I wanna have and I have a lot of friends who are always there for me and never make me feel so alone.

Scream and shout and tell everybody that you're gonna leave.

I refuse to let this happen again. I dont know why you are even bitching. Why do you always have to be like this and whine about fucking everything? You get mad at me for some stupid shit just because you are in a bad mood then you get mad because I didnt talk to you? I'm sorry that I dont wanna talk to you because you're always being a bitch. Be lucky I didnt fucking talk to you because if you would have snapped on me like you did Jessica, shit would have gone down. Jessica takes so much shit from everyone and she takes it from me too but I still really dislike it and wish everyone, including me, would stop. ANYWAY after you piss me off and I tell you to leave me alone, you decide to send me this.

"Forgiveness is the economy of the heart. Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred,the waste of spirits."

BITCH FUCKING PLEASE. How many times have I forgiven you for all the shit you have done? I know I have my faults, but you're just a whiny bitch that has to complain and make a comment about fucking everything. I don't lie to my friends and ive told you many times that you annoy the fuck outta me with all the shit you do and you say that im at fault too. If you dont fucking like it, you dont have to be my friend. This shit is the same shit that happend with Morgan. All we did was fight, make up, fight, makeup and I promised that this would never happen again and yet im doing it with you. Im not doing it. Ive "forgiven" you so many times so sorry that your little quote that you looked up on the internet will go to waste because im not forgiving you anytime soon. Actually no, I am forgiving you, im just not telling you. I only wanna do things and have people in my life that make me happy and you arent one of them. All you do is bring me headaches so im kicking you out of my life before I regret it like I did with her.

She is a woman who has learned not to believe in promises or dreamers.

Why does this make me so upset? I shouldn't even be bothered by it. I shouldn't even deal with it. I think I just want a reason to think about you and have something with you again. No. I don't need anything with you and I dont want anything with you. I will just ignore this. I don't understand why your starting shit though. Things were going fine. You told Matthew that I was talking about you? I never do. I try and keep your name out of my mouth. Maybe it was Jeordin. I did talk to her about you. hm. I think it was. If you are mad for that reason, then thats dumb. Whatever. I think Jennifer is rubbing off on you and you just wanna be a bitch just because. Lord, I hope you don't turn out like her. Please don't become her.

You sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found.

My mother told me today that I can start driving on April 1st. I just noticed that next month was April. If me and Morgan were still together, April 2nd would have been our one year anniversary. It pisses me off so much that when I remembered this, I started to cry and now I will be probably be dreading that day. It makes me so sad how much she hates me but all I want to do is make her happy.

I want someone to be here for me and to love me and I promise, whoever you are that comes along, I will treat you right and never let you go because I now know how it feels to be without you and I will always appreciate being with you because I didn't before and I lost you and its one of the biggest things I will ever regret in my whole life.

I really need to read. This book is killing me. I hope I did good on my math test. I can't wait for the weekend to be here. Le sigh.

Reasons why I love girls.

1. They have boobs. Boobs are always good. <3 
2. They always smell really sweet and nice :3 
3. How they always take a lot of effort to look good but are really cute either way. 
4. The way their legs feel right after they shaved. 
5. They always have the nicest smile. 
6. They are so cute when they try and argue with you 
7. They are INSANELY cute when they get all jealous and try and hide it. 
8. How they show their affection so easily. 
9. The way they know just the right way to make your heart flutter. 
10. How you can hold them and they feel so nice and soft. 
11. They always have really soft, pretty hair. 
12. They have long eyelashes and amazing eyes. 
13. They are moody but they actually show emotion when you want them to. 

Note: This will be updated each time I think of a new reason. 

I thought I was happy. Guess im just fooling myself again.

You have the lowest self esteem and the foggiest mirror.

I went to the store with my mom today and we got a bunch of food and stuff :3 Our house actually looks alive today. A lot of people say "why do you love my house? its so small and not as amazing as yours." well, my house may be big but the bad thing about having a big house is that it feels empty. Little houses have so much things in it and so many memories where as our house has no memories since we just got this house but it actually did feel alive today. I got this really pretty white orchid. I named her gorgeous because she really is.

^ She's pretty, I know.

After not eating sweets for 2 weeks, I lost 5 pounds. Its funny because it doesnt feel like ive lost any weight at all. But im really happy. I don;t think I could have resisted temptation without God though. If I was doing this for myself, I would have failed a long time ago but I havent because im doing it for him, I guess. I do feel like ive gotten closer to him and this makes me a lot more happier. <3

Ive had a couple doubt about Jon lately. Not only do I not wanna be way into him because im scared but also we are extreamly different. I read my horoscope and our compatibility and it said that we might be a good couple at first but it will get boring soon because we won't have a spark and I think that is exactly what will happen. It scary how my horoscopes are always usually right. Not only this but i dont know.. I really want to be with a girl. I think I may just like him because of his comfort and I feel that he is a really good friend and I do wanna be there for him but I dont think I really want a relationship with him. I want to be with a girl so badly. I wish I was attractive enough for one.

I want a cat.

I want a cat that looks like this. Black cat with pretty blue eyes <3 I will name him/her Luna. Yesterday, I fell in love with Princess the cat. She is so adorable and she is always attacking my feet xD Jon said it was because animals love things that stink -.- </3 whatever. But I thought she was adorable and I really want a cat now.

Dreams can, in fact, teach us things about ourselves that we are unaware of.

Last night, I texted Jon and told him that I missed him. He said I woke him up from a bad dream he was having. I thought about dreams for a little bit. I realized that I never have any dreams at all. At first, I thought this was really bad so I googled it. Turns out most people have dreams because I couldn't find anything on anyone asking if not having dreams was a bad sign. Some scientist or whatever said that when you dream you can find out things about yourself or answer questions that you really wanted to know but apparently your brain is thinking while you are sleeping because it doesn't have to focus on helping you move or helping you think about things that you think about when you are awake. I don't think I have a very active brain because mine never thinks. Babies have the most dreams because they don't have to think about as much things as we have to think about. I think that's why babies are always crying. When they wake up crying I think its because they had a bad dream. Maybe babies always have a lot of good dreams which is why they sleep so much. My mom said that I never slept when I was little. She told me I was the best baby out of her 2 others because when I was a baby, I never really cried. I had sleeping problems and I never liked to sleep which was probably the only thing she hated about me as baby xD but she said I never cried. I only ever cried when I was hungry. I don't think I had many dreams when I was little. :(

There are certain times when I do have dreams. Once in a great while. Usually my dreams are a bunch of memories put together or it will just be certain things that happened recently and a weird story to go along with it. A lot of the memories I have are mostly about my dad. About all the times I had with him. There are times when I think of a memory I had and I miss him a lot. Sometimes I think that the reason I can't remember all of the things about when I was little was because he had a lot to do with it and I don't want to remember any of it. Or sometimes I think I don't want to remember what it was like when I was younger and was always depressed and used to cut myself because of how unhappy I was with the way I looked or the way my dad treated me. I realized that I never like to think about the past. I'm always thinking about the future. I don't think im content with that though. I want to remember my past. My dreams are the only way to remember and now I don't have them at all or I don't even remember them. I want to dream. I want to remember.

And I believe that its easier for you to let me go.

I spent the whole day with Jon today. It was actually a lot of fun and I love his house so much. <3 I love talking to him and I love the way he smells and the way he listens to me and is so nice to me. We spent most of the day on the couch watching movies and tv and such. I think I may have dissapointed him a little because I wasnt really that interested/didnt know any of the music that he was talking about and his guitar. He seemed okay with it though. We sat on the couch in his amazing house (that I love so much <3 I wanna live in that house) and we cuddled and I held his hand. I asked him if he was going to kiss me and he said no because I wasnt his girlfriend. It surprised me a lot because I thought we would end up kissing by the end of the day but we never did.  His dad's girlfriend has the most adorable cat ever. I want a cat now just because of how much I love that one. On the ride home, I got really quiet because I was thinking and I could tell he knew I was thinking about something. A lot of the things that happend, a lot of the things we talked about was his life and his childhood and how he didnt like his mom or his dad and he fought with his sister and it seemed like he didnt have anyone to fall back on because I dont think he had many close friends. His mom called him while we were together and he ignored the call. I'm not sure he knew how to take the affection I was giving him either. All of these things happened the same way with her.

I'm scared. I feel like this is happening all over again. I dont want it to. I don't wanna like him. I wanna stop but I wanna be there for him at the same time. I'm sorry, I don't know what to do.

Fuck it, I don't know why but I love you too.

Im so nervous. Tomorrow, Im going over to Jon's house. I don't know how I will act but im probably gonna be all lame and quiet and shit and idek lol. I hope it turns out to be good tomorrow though. Today, Quintin tried the mood calculator on me and it said im in love and he kept making jokes about how I was in love with Jon -.-

A couple of days ago I met this girl, Destiny. She is really cute and when I first met her she told me that her and her bf were always fighting and she was thinking about breaking up with him. We started talking more and such and she is really sweet. Last night, she told me her best friend said that she wanted to date her when her and her bf broke up and I was like "wtf she needs to backup because I asked you first" and she told me I made her night hahsashdhosad x3 I dont know if she is ever gonna break up with him though so im not focusing all on her and such. I'm pretty sure Jeordin likes her and if she does I was just gonna back up but she told me it was cool (which I think she is lying) so whatever.

Jessica is really starting to piss me off. Ive been trying really hard to still be her friend and try and get as close to her as possible but she is always just shutting me down. When I actually wanted to hang out with her and she told me we should hang out at the chilli thing which is fucking stupid because thats like working. Its not even fun. But I agreed with it because I wanted to spend time with her because im tired of always being the 3rd fucking wheel. It fucking sucks being second and having to be always behind someone. Im getting so sick of it and I think ive had about all I can take. When I talk to her she acts like she doesnt even wanna talk to me. Im done trying to get your attention and try to still be your friend. You wanna act like you don't wanna talk to me? fine. Ill give you what you want. If you wanna be my friend you can try and see how it feels to try as hard as I am right now. She says that people walk all over her and such but she doesnt realize that she does the same thing but in a different way -.-

uhgohsosadho I dont know what i'm gonna wear tomorrow. Or saturday when I go to gallery. le sigh.

I forgive you.

There are times when I just wanna lay down and never get up.

I texted Jeordin today and it was actually kind of nice. I'm still not sure what she feels about me but she helped me open my eyes a little bit. I love that about her. How she can read someones emotions so well and just tell them to you. There are some people who hate to talk about things that hurt them because they are scared of realizing anything. I, am not this way. I'd rather know than not know because it will kill me if I don't. We started about how Morgan fucked me over and such and she explained to me how she felt about it. All of the words she said made me realize so many things and I promised myself that I would never forgive Morgan but I think now I can. I see now where she was coming from. I see why she did the things she did. Yeah, she did them in all the wrong ways but she did them because she has a heart and I didn't see this before. It makes me feel like crying because now I feel like a bitch. Jeordin said that the reason im always getting mad at her and talking to her is because im trying to hold onto her anyway I can. She's right. I didn't realize until now but whenever I try to be friends with her its only because I wanna be closer to her again. I get mad at her because I wanna be even more closer to her and I never realized this until now. I do believe that I am over her though. It seems to other people that I still love her and blahblah and they are right. I do still love her. But I don't love her as my girlfriend. I don't love her as someone who I want to be with. The last months of our relationship, im pretty sure I got very close to her. I felt like she was my best friend. She was my best friend. I miss her always being there for me. I miss having someone to tell all of my feelings to and she would actually care and listen. My friends now are hard to tell things to because I always feel like im bothering them. I never felt like I was bothering her. It might have been she was such a good friend because she was my girlfriend but I dont care. I dont even know how to explain this. Why can't I stop crying. I dont know. I just wanted to say I forgive you for the things I didn't see before.

"Friendship is not capable of ending. If it does it's only because it never existed."

I have so much respect for both of you.

This isn't any of my business, I know but I don't know why it affects me so much. I feel like i'm reading a book and when something sad happens, I cry because it's sad. It kind of feels like this. I look up to you so much. I wish me and you could have become closer because i've always felt the need to comfort you, to be there for you. When you used to talk to me and you told me that everyone leaves you, I wanted to be that one person that stayed.

I love you. You're my best friend and I think you may be one the best bestfriends ive ever had. I know I may not be your best friend like I used to be anymore and I know I may hurt you a lot because I always get upset with you because you left me with someone. She was right. There are so many things you don't know or realize but I love you so much for this. You have been there for me through thick and thin and a lot of the times I feel like ive been the worst friend ever because when you cry, I have no idea what to do. If someone I barely knew cried I would know how to make them feel better but with you its just..... blank. I feel terrible about it and i'm sorry I couldn't be there for you like she is. I'm sorry i've lost your attention. I still love you though and I don't think my love for you could ever go away.

I'm so sorry. I don't know how to put how I feel into words. I wish I was like you and could do it but I can't. My emotions can't be read by me.

Girl, you talk too much. Shuddup.

Today was actually a great day <3 I was really happy all day. Jessica has come to the conclusion that all my hair was all the depression and it was weighing me down and now that I cut it off, I will now be happy. I think I agree with her. Zack kind of hurt my feelings today because he said I look like willy wonka and then when I told him I wasnt talking to him anymore he was like "You're so emotional. That's why your gf broke up with you." It kind of hurt my feelings a lot lol. But I got over it because everyone told me how nice my hair looked and I got so much attention. <3 tbh I really love attention a lot haha. I don't complain. :)

Im so confused on what I wanna be and what to do. le sigh. I think I may like this one guy but im not sure if I wanna act upon it because I told myself that I want to be with a girl because guys always annoy me in the end anyway. ugh.

I got cho back.

Today has actually been a good day even though I have been cleaning all day. I woke up at like 1 pm today and after I ate, I went straight to work cleaning the whole dining room area. It looks so nice and shiny and I love how my hair looks up x3 While I was cleaning, I was thinking of what Jennifer told me yesterday on the phone. She gave me this big whole long boring speech or something but I stopped listening half way through. The part I did listen to was the part I was thinking about though. She said something about me hating them because Morgan broke up with me or some shit. Morgan said the same thing to me the other day. It pisses me off how they think that. -.- If I were talking to them I would tell them that that isnt the reason and they are idiots for even thinking that. If that was the case, I would hate every person that rejected me. I hate them because Morgan gave me no repect. They also don't know the reason I called her immature. I called her immature because she thinks that just because she really cares about someone that means that she can treat them like the best person in the world. She said she knew we werent gonna last which was why she treated me badly. This is the reason why I hate her and called her immature. She should have just broken up with me instead of treating me like shit. A MATURE person would not have cheated on me then lied to my face or treated me like straight shit when we were dating even though I gave her the world. I lost so much because of her. I lost my car. I lost my parents trust at one time too. I lost so many things just for her. She treated me badly, then cheated on me, and then put me through hell afterwards and these stupid bitches think its because she broke up with me. Seriously? I don't think I will ever forgive you for treating me like this. The reason I hate you, Jennifer is because you just don't know when to stop and then you always blame me for everything. You may say that im starting this because im writing this down or whatever but this blog helps me remember things. If I write this down on a piece of paper, Ill probably lose the piece of paper or something. This will be here always. I look at all my previous posts at least once a week so I can remember every little detail. I dont do this to start shit unless you make me mad. I hate the fact that you think you know me too. You always say "You're so much better than this blahblah" We talked for.... maybe 2 weeks? I didn't even show you how I really was. Im not weak and I am a bitch when I want to be. You think you're stronger than me? You might be but I know i'm strong too. I've changed a lot ever since Morgan and I broke up. This, is the only thing I will ever thank her for.

Should'a sent a thank you note, ya little hoe.

Today was an amazing day. I went and got a haircut and its so short and I keep playing with my cut off hair that im donating and I miss it so much. I never noticed how pretty it looked until it got cut. You never appreciate anything till you don't have it anymore. I went to the mall with Matthew after my haircut so we could look at the hunger games stuff in hottopic <3 ugh I cant wait till the hunger games come out. Its going to be amazing. I wanted to wait til monday to show everyone my hair but I saw hayden at the mall today. Then Jessica came and I saw her too -.- pretty soon I started seeing everyone. Im happy everyone liked my hair though. I was scared that it would look bad but it ended up turning out good. I saw Kayla at the mall too. She is so cute, I probably looked like a nerd to her or something.

After the mall, Matthew and I went to the movies. At the beginning of the movie, stupid bitch Jennifer called me. She got pissed because I mentioned her on THE INTERNET and she told me I need to write my feelings on a piece of notepaper. Okay, Jennifer, I guess you are reading this now since you wanna be all up in my shit and read my blog so this is just for you. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU. You said I fucked with the wrong girl? Okay, come at me bro. I don't care what you do because I don't care about you. I stopped caring when you decided that you wanted to be a stupid hoe. You don't like your name on my blog? You don't like it on the internet? I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. You think i'm a kid? WELL BITCH, I am a kid. I'm not in a hurry to grow up. I never said I wasn't immature. You don't wanna be in all this "high school drama"? Then maybe you shouldn't be a fucking pedo and go out with someone still in high school when you are about to 19 years old. Seriously? You called me, hun. I'm getting sick of you saying you don't want any drama but then you're always the one who messages me. You're always the one who texts me or calls me or sends me a friend request. Ever noticed that? YOU put yourself in this position. I don't mind this drama, I really don't so I don't care if I start it.  I think its fucking hilarious but if you don't like it then stay out of it. I'm not the one bringing you into it. k :) btw, learn how to fucking spell, 19 yr old.

Overall my mood is wonderful. Today was wonderful<3

Fuck you.

"Look this is Morgan. You're really pissing me off with all this shit you keep doing. I try not to talk to you lately bc I don't want to start anything. You said I was too immature for a relationship, well you seriously need to open your eyes and look to see who's actually being immature. You need to grow up and realize that what we had was in the past, that jennifer does not want to be your friend. Did you expect her to break up with me and be your best friend after you insulted her? I want nothing to do with you and neither does she. And quit telling her she can do better than me bc you have no idea how I treat her. I treat her so much better than I ever treated you bc I truly love her. With you I knew it was just a high school fling. I can see a future with jennifer that I never saw with you. So i'm asking you nicely to please leave us alone. We're happy, can you please just accept that and forget about our old memories and look forward to new memories with someone else."


This pisses me off so much I just wanna punch something over and over again till I bleed. I just want to put this on my blog so whenever I look through my blog posts I can read this and remember to NEVER forgive you, you stupid ugly ass fucking cunt licking bitch. I want you out of my life so badly. I wish you would drop off the face of the earth. I hope one day you can feel how I feel and know all the hurt you have caused me. It may be easy for YOU to get over me because you stopped loving me and realized all this shit about how you didnt really love me and blahblah and the love you told me you had for me wasnt even real. The love I had for you was real because I dont lie like you do. I'm sorry that you broke my heart then cheated on me then left for someone else and now I feel like an idiot because this whole time you were cheating on me and you felt so different than I felt about you. I cried every fucking night and you think this is a fucking joke and you dont even say sorry and you STILL lie to me even after everything is over so you can just hurt me more. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. I wanna bitch slap you in the face so badly. You and Jennifer are always the ones coming into MY life. Jennifer is always talking to me and acting like she is my friend. Bitch, I hate you. I hate both of you and I hope she does hurt you. I hope you make the same mistake twice and you get the pain that you deserve. You too, faggot. 

And by the end of the day, I cant keep the tears in.

Today I tried to bake little cakes. It lasted about 5 hours trying to make it all. After I was done making the cakes and icing and everything, I threw it all away and then went outside and cried. My mom didn't know I was out there and she locked me out which was pretty funny. I threw all the cakes away except one. I made this one really special and I put strawberrys on it and icing and I made it look all fancy and nice. I showed it to my mom and she said "That's nice." I don't know why but whenever I bake, I feel like her opinion is the only one that matters. When I made my first cookie and she told me how delicious it was I just wanted to make more and have everyone tell me how good they were. I love it when I make something and someone tells me that its really good. It's one of the reasons I love to bake so much. I want everyone to tell me how good it is because it makes me feel like i'm actually worth something, like I have a purpose. I don't know. I don't know why I keep crying. I wish I would stop though.

The circus is in town and I really wanna go. I have no one to go with though. The other day , Jon told me that if I died so many people would miss me. I got to wondering who would really miss me besides my family? Not many people would. I got to really thinking who's lives I really made a difference in and I don't think Ive actually made a difference in anyone's. Some day's I just wanna sleep forever. I think everyone feels that one once in a while. I hate when people come up to me and say "don't say that! everyone cares about you!". It makes me mad when I hear that because most of the people that say that are the ones that never text me. Never talk to me first. Never ask me to hang out or what i'm doing or if im okay or something. Never. Only one person has really been there for me and always asked me and always talks to me but that one person is one that I dont really want to talk to. I feel like I should talk to him and we should be best friends again or something but i'm tired of everyone betraying me. I'm tired of people taking my trust and breaking it. I don't want to do it any more. I just want to get away from everyone. I know he is trying his best to gain my trust back but I dont want to give it back to him. I know I should probably give him a second chance but I really don't want to. I don't know about anything but I think I feel better and I don't know what else to say. I forgot.

Jennifer.

This has been on my mind so much lately and I didn't know how to say it or put it into words.

I hate that you are with her. You deserve so much better. I was with her for a really long time. I was her first girlfriend. I know how she is. She has changed so much and a lot of the bad stuff I blame myself for. I don't think she is mature enough to be in a relationship. She doesn't know anything. The bad ones you should just keep away from because they are always the ones you are drawn to and the ones will end up hurting you the most. You always think that I want her back. I don't. I don't even know why you think this. Why would I want someone who cheated on me and broke my heart back? Only a really dumb person would want someone like that back. I do care about you. There was a time when me and you were friends and I grew to care about you a lot and I actually care about your feelings, I do. I know I may say some bitch things to you but that's because i'm mad at you because I think you have made the wrong choice in what you are doing. You always tell me to always make good choices and don't make the same mistakes you have but you are making the same mistake over again. I know you may 'love' her but I loved her once too. Love blinds you from the truth.

I had a lot more to say but I forgot the rest. I'm still not sure if I will let you see this or not but I just needed to get it out. Even if I do let you read this you probably won't care but at least I told you.

Missing the little things I never appreciated.

Last night, I was reading this blog and most of them were about Morgan. It kind of made me sad because I miss all the little things she used to do and I would never appreciate it at all. I mean, I hate her but I still miss the things we did and went through. I miss all those sweet things she did for me like kiss my forehead or tell me she loved me even though I was mad at her and didn't say it back. I've realized now that the reason she probably cheated on me and left me was because i'm an emotional bitch but I dont care. She left for a reason and i'm glad she did because we had a terrible relationship and we were always fighting. I know now what a real relationship is like and I long for one of those every day. I was watching Wall-E today and I cried because it was so cute. I cry every time I watch it because I wish someone cared about me as much as Wall-E cares about Eve. I hate that I always think about the past. I always think of all the things we used to do and I miss it so much and want it back. I don't want to do those things with you but with someone better than you. Someone who will actually love me. I hope that person comes along soon. I'm tired of waiting.

I don't want to survive, I wanna live.

You're the one that I've been looking for.

My mom and I went prom dress shopping today. We couldn't find a single dress because all of them were sizes too small for me or they showed too much skin and wouldn't look good on me or something or another. I wanted to cry because I wanted to find a dress and look really beautiful for one day in my life. I guess there is always next year.

Today I really didn't do anything. I havent done anything all week but lay around and have little human interaction as possible. Sometimes I feel as if the whole world is against me and I just need to shut everyone out. I feel like I can't trust anyone because in the end, I will just end up getting hurt. I want someone so badly though. I'm tired of being alone. I just want someone that will always be there for me no matter what. I can hold them and kiss them whenever I want or when they are sad and they will do the same for me because they love me. I hate the fact that I sat and wasted a big part of my life and some whore who cheated on me and left me for someone else. I gave her everything and I hate that she took everything and left me with nothing except the pieces of my heart. I hate how everyone thinks i'm not over her. I am over her. I dont think anyone understands what its like to be hurt how I have been and its not something you can get over in a few months. It takes a while to heal and its hard doing it all by myself like I am. People who tell me that its in the past and I need to get over it, FUCK YOU. Lemme break your arm and then tell you its in the past so get over it. I bet that won't go over too well for you will it?

Today, Jennifer posted something about how she must have been drunk when she was going out with her ex and then she made a comment about how while her ex downgraded she upgraded and that cheaters and liars were stupid cunts or something like that. Of coarse I couldnt resist putting my 2 cents in and I said "LOL ive been laughing for 5 minutes reading this. You upgraded? no, you downgraded. bad. oh, I especially laughed when you said that thing about cheaters and liars." then she got mad and told me to stfu bc it wasnt her fault morgan wanted her and not me. WELP. I hate when she says that. I hate that she thinks im not over her. and I hate that she thinks she is the hottest thing since sliced bread. I mean, she is cute but she isnt shdishdihsa yum cute. but she unfriended me which she will probably friend me again later like she always does. I shouldnt have put myself in this and start drama but there are some things that you just cant keep in.

Today is Monday and I need to read past chapter 15 in my book by Wednesday. Im still on chapter 1. I dont know what everyone else is talking about but I think this book is really boring. I keep falling asleep trying to read. The beginning is always slow. I hate books like that. I'm getting really bad at doing school work lately. Le sigh. I wish I could hurry up and be in college and away from everyone and be doing my own thing. Focusing on what I actually wanna do in life. I guess you have to go through the bad stuff to get to the good stuff.


I just wish all the bad stuff would be over. I think i've had enough.