Poopie.
Self-hatred. I have really been disliking myself lately. I dunno what it is. I have been feeling so fat lately that all I ever want to wear it a t-shirt and my hoodie. I haven't even gained one pound though but when I look in the mirror or even the way I feel, it feels as if ive gained like 20. Bleh. Been feeling so ugly lately that I don't even see the point in wearing makeup anymore because I still feel ugly.
This anxiety is building up. I feel like i'm gonna get pregnant because that's just the way my life fucking goes. I know there isn't really a chance of me getting pregnant but I think about it all the time. I'm praying that I really don't and I wish I could just go get a test and find out instead of me worrying to death until my holy period comes. It's literally nerve wrecking and I can't stop having this terrible nausea. Fuck, I hate this. Ugh I really dislike that guy. THIS FUCKING NIGGA HOW THE FUCK IS HE GONNA FUCKING HIT IT AND QUIT IT THEN FUCKING DELETE ME OFF FACEBOOK WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I really wanted to just text him and fucking let him feel my fucking wrath but I really didn't feel like dealing with that shit so I won't but fucking still. Good lord, I'm glad I won't have to see him next year.
If I don't end up pregnant, I am promising to stay off guys because lord knows the only reason I am ever even attracted is because i'm lonely and ill kiss any guy that gives me attention. I'm going strictly girls and hopefully i'll be able to stay that way. I really want a kitten so fucking bad. :(
Just fucking fuck everything. I'm so glad its almost summer so I don't have to pay attention to the world.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the empire state.
So, I just looked through my blog and I saw the post before this was about you. It's funny how I tricked myself into thinking I liked you so much when I really didn't like you at all. oh okay. Awk.
It's a common thing to be out of line but it's getting old by the fifteenth time.
I've been contemplating on whether or not I should make a new blog or not. I decided against it. I don't feel like it.
It seems that I haven't written on here for forever because I don't think I was able to describe what I was feeling then put it into words. I should probably start from the beginning. I lost my virginity with someone I didn't love. The weird thing about it is that at first, like right after I did it, I was kind of regretting it. I don't regret it at all actually. Well, I mean, unless I get prego or something then I might... actually even if I do get prego I still wouldn't. It was a sort of hit it and quit it kind of thing. We haven't talked for quite sometime and it's weird because i'm okay with it. I didn't even cry over him when he ignored me. All I really feel is awkwardness. I was probably bad at sex but whatever I guess. Lord, I feel so lonely. This sounds kind of odd but I don't think I would mind having a baby. I can't wait til i'm old enough to have a child. That child will be the most loved child in the whole world. I'm going to do my best to never let my child feel as lonely as I do. Bolding this so I can remember. I hate talking to my feelings about anyone. "what's wrong?" "are you okay?" "you can talk to me about it." Is what I hear everyday. "Nothing is wrong, i'm just tired." constant lying. I hate talking about my feelings. "You're just being emotional." Fuck you. Fuck my feelings. Better yet, just fuck everything because i'm just an emotional fuck. Jeordin called me a dumbass. She told me I don't know the meaning of lonely. I guess so. After I had sex, I got high. Came to school high. I don't know why I haven't done this before. Going to school high is so great. I'm always over thinking, over analyzing everything but when I was high it was like.... I stopped thinking. It was great. I wish I was good enough for someone. I fucking suck. Why can't I be skinny. I just want to be a little pretty at least. I want someone to tell me i'm beautiful. I want to feel like someone actually cares about me. Who does? No one. It seems as if that every time I blog, i;m always crying while writing. Why do I even blog anymore. What am I doing. I started gaining a lot of weight. I'm surprised my parents didn't say anything about it. I was wearing this shirt that used to fit me pretty good but now it doesn't. Skinny skinny skinny skinny skinny skinny skinny. Maybe if I say it enough times, I can actually put my mind to it and do it. Maybe. All I do is come home and sleep. I wish I could sleep forever. I wish I could skip school everyday and just sleep. I guess that's enough of my depression post for today. Why am I always depressed? The ugliest of people usually are.
It seems that I haven't written on here for forever because I don't think I was able to describe what I was feeling then put it into words. I should probably start from the beginning. I lost my virginity with someone I didn't love. The weird thing about it is that at first, like right after I did it, I was kind of regretting it. I don't regret it at all actually. Well, I mean, unless I get prego or something then I might... actually even if I do get prego I still wouldn't. It was a sort of hit it and quit it kind of thing. We haven't talked for quite sometime and it's weird because i'm okay with it. I didn't even cry over him when he ignored me. All I really feel is awkwardness. I was probably bad at sex but whatever I guess. Lord, I feel so lonely. This sounds kind of odd but I don't think I would mind having a baby. I can't wait til i'm old enough to have a child. That child will be the most loved child in the whole world. I'm going to do my best to never let my child feel as lonely as I do. Bolding this so I can remember. I hate talking to my feelings about anyone. "what's wrong?" "are you okay?" "you can talk to me about it." Is what I hear everyday. "Nothing is wrong, i'm just tired." constant lying. I hate talking about my feelings. "You're just being emotional." Fuck you. Fuck my feelings. Better yet, just fuck everything because i'm just an emotional fuck. Jeordin called me a dumbass. She told me I don't know the meaning of lonely. I guess so. After I had sex, I got high. Came to school high. I don't know why I haven't done this before. Going to school high is so great. I'm always over thinking, over analyzing everything but when I was high it was like.... I stopped thinking. It was great. I wish I was good enough for someone. I fucking suck. Why can't I be skinny. I just want to be a little pretty at least. I want someone to tell me i'm beautiful. I want to feel like someone actually cares about me. Who does? No one. It seems as if that every time I blog, i;m always crying while writing. Why do I even blog anymore. What am I doing. I started gaining a lot of weight. I'm surprised my parents didn't say anything about it. I was wearing this shirt that used to fit me pretty good but now it doesn't. Skinny skinny skinny skinny skinny skinny skinny. Maybe if I say it enough times, I can actually put my mind to it and do it. Maybe. All I do is come home and sleep. I wish I could sleep forever. I wish I could skip school everyday and just sleep. I guess that's enough of my depression post for today. Why am I always depressed? The ugliest of people usually are.
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