It's a common thing to be out of line but it's getting old by the fifteenth time.

I've been contemplating on whether or not I should make a new blog or not. I decided against it. I don't feel like it.

It seems that I haven't written on here for forever because I don't think I was able to describe what I was feeling then put it into words. I should probably start from the beginning. I lost my virginity with someone I didn't love. The weird thing about it is that at first, like right after I did it, I was kind of regretting it. I don't regret it at all actually. Well, I mean, unless I get prego or something then I might... actually even if I do get prego I still wouldn't. It was a sort of hit it and quit it kind of thing. We haven't talked for quite sometime and it's weird because i'm okay with it. I didn't even cry over him when he ignored me. All I really feel is awkwardness. I was probably bad at sex but whatever I guess. Lord, I feel so lonely. This sounds kind of odd but I don't think I would mind having a baby. I can't wait til i'm old enough to have a child. That child will be the most loved child in the whole world. I'm going to do my best to never let my child feel as lonely as I do. Bolding this so I can remember. I hate talking to my feelings about anyone. "what's wrong?" "are you okay?" "you can talk to me about it." Is what I hear everyday. "Nothing is wrong, i'm just tired." constant lying. I hate talking about my feelings. "You're just being emotional." Fuck you. Fuck my feelings. Better yet, just fuck everything because i'm just an emotional fuck. Jeordin called me a dumbass. She told me I don't know the meaning of lonely. I guess so. After I had sex, I got high. Came to school high. I don't know why I haven't done this before. Going to school high is so great. I'm always over thinking, over analyzing everything but when I was high it was like.... I stopped thinking. It was great. I wish I was good enough for someone. I fucking suck. Why can't I be skinny. I just want to be a little pretty at least. I want someone to tell me i'm beautiful. I want to feel like someone actually cares about me. Who does? No one. It seems as if that every time I blog, i;m always crying while writing. Why do I even blog anymore. What am I doing. I started gaining a lot of weight. I'm surprised my parents didn't say anything about it. I was wearing this shirt that used to fit me pretty good but now it doesn't. Skinny skinny skinny skinny skinny skinny skinny. Maybe if I say it enough times, I can actually put my mind to it and do it. Maybe. All I do is come home and sleep. I wish I could sleep forever. I wish I could skip school everyday and just sleep. I guess that's enough of my depression post for today. Why am I always depressed? The ugliest of people usually are.