So the hell with all that rubbish.

Lord. Why did I fall for you? You aren't even that great but it seems every time I look, I can't find anyone better. le sigh.

My family is getting worse. Or should I say my dad. I dont know. I guess both. My dad is never really home most of the time and when we is, he drinks a lot and he is a jerk to everyone. It makes me so mad. He is a jerk to me all the fucking time but he wants so much out of me. Like what the fuck. Are you supposed to make me like you by calling me names and treating me like shit. Is calling me fat supposed to make me get up and do some exercise? All it does is make me wanna sit in my room and cry. It makes me wanna eat and eat. You've been like this ever since I was a little girl. What happened to the nice you? What happened to the guy that was my dad when my real dad wasnt there for me? Now all you do is drink and say how much you hate your life. My life isnt easy either. You don't make it easier by making me feel bad about myself. All you do is make me wanna leave.

I know this isnt the right thing to do but I feel that I should. I know that one of these days, your world will come crashing down on you. I know that it feels nice now but it won't last forever. Nothing does. I made the mistake of believing it does and when it actually ended, I turned around to see no one there to help me. This is how you will end up. When you need me, I promise you that my back will turn. Right now, its simply too hard and impossible for me to avoid you. Its too hard to fix our schedule that we have down and right now, im sure I only have you but id rather have no one than have you because having you makes me hurt so much more. I wish you would only let go of me. You pay no attention to me. You don't see how much im hurting. I know you want to be there for me but I dont feel that its out of actual care or love. I think its just because its your personality. If that's the reason, which I know it is, then you can leave.

I dont want anyone in my life that doesnt matter. That's why im not friends with matthew anymore. If I come second, you dont matter. If you want to bring me down, you don't matter. If you wanna be a bitch, you dont matter. Lately, it seems many people have not mattered. This hurts now, but I know this is for the best. I know this will make me stronger which is the only reason why im doing this. All my life ive surrounded myself with people who don't matter. This will end. Im almost in college. This is bullshit. I know that i'm pushing everyone away. I know that i'm making myself be alone. Im deadly afraid of being alone. I guess though, if I havent killed myself yet than I must be getting somewhere. Dont complain that I push people away when you are pushing me away. I'm not pushing anyone away, im just not putting up with your shit anymore.

One year. One year and I will be gone.