You

Good lord. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't stop thinking about you. I like you so much but I can't do shit about it. It makes me so mad. Everytime I see you, my heart does these little flip things. I don't want to fall in love and I hope that's not where im headed. I hope this is just a crush I will get over in time. I seriously don't know what to do about you but I feel like if I do nothing, this will just be shit til I get over it. I like you so much ugh.

Fucking ovaries. Why was I born a girl.

Holy fuck.

Shit fuck.

Everything has been pissing me off lately.

I hate that you think you're alone WHEN IM RIGHT FUCKING HERE. I hate the fact that no matter how hard I try, I cant ever get through. I've been on this subject for far too long and I don't understand why it still upsets me THIS FUCKING MUCH.

I can't fucking wait til summer. School is taking too fucking long. Next year WILL be the best year of my life. I do not fucking care. I will make it the best because its going to be my last year. After that, im fucking gone.

Why the fuck is Hannah doing this. I can't believe she lied to me. If she would have told me the truth, I wouldn't have cared. I can't believe she lied to Eliza too. I hope after all her new little weed buddies leaves her and fucks her over and she has no one left and she comes to Eliza, I fucking hope Eliza turns her back on her because she is fucking stupid.

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday dear nothing, Happy birthday to me.

I dont think i'm able to put what I feel into words. Today was my birthday. Why I thought it wasnt going to be horrible like the others, I dont know.

There are days when I really want to die and that's all I ever think about. There are days when I really want to start cutting again and if I see a razor, im probably going to use it. Today is one of those days. Ive actually been having a lot of those days lately.

ugh Mikalani. I like him so much but I always feel so awkward and not good enough and just stupid around him. I don't even want to try anymore because its so hard.

I've missed you so much. I'm glad you are in my life again because I need you now more than ever. Im kind of scared that the paper I turned in for English might have been a little too personal. I was crying while writing it. If she asks, ill tell her that its fiction.

I came home and cried my eyes out. After I was done, my dad asked me to come help do something. Neither of my parents told me happy birthday today.

So the hell with all that rubbish.

Lord. Why did I fall for you? You aren't even that great but it seems every time I look, I can't find anyone better. le sigh.

My family is getting worse. Or should I say my dad. I dont know. I guess both. My dad is never really home most of the time and when we is, he drinks a lot and he is a jerk to everyone. It makes me so mad. He is a jerk to me all the fucking time but he wants so much out of me. Like what the fuck. Are you supposed to make me like you by calling me names and treating me like shit. Is calling me fat supposed to make me get up and do some exercise? All it does is make me wanna sit in my room and cry. It makes me wanna eat and eat. You've been like this ever since I was a little girl. What happened to the nice you? What happened to the guy that was my dad when my real dad wasnt there for me? Now all you do is drink and say how much you hate your life. My life isnt easy either. You don't make it easier by making me feel bad about myself. All you do is make me wanna leave.

I know this isnt the right thing to do but I feel that I should. I know that one of these days, your world will come crashing down on you. I know that it feels nice now but it won't last forever. Nothing does. I made the mistake of believing it does and when it actually ended, I turned around to see no one there to help me. This is how you will end up. When you need me, I promise you that my back will turn. Right now, its simply too hard and impossible for me to avoid you. Its too hard to fix our schedule that we have down and right now, im sure I only have you but id rather have no one than have you because having you makes me hurt so much more. I wish you would only let go of me. You pay no attention to me. You don't see how much im hurting. I know you want to be there for me but I dont feel that its out of actual care or love. I think its just because its your personality. If that's the reason, which I know it is, then you can leave.

I dont want anyone in my life that doesnt matter. That's why im not friends with matthew anymore. If I come second, you dont matter. If you want to bring me down, you don't matter. If you wanna be a bitch, you dont matter. Lately, it seems many people have not mattered. This hurts now, but I know this is for the best. I know this will make me stronger which is the only reason why im doing this. All my life ive surrounded myself with people who don't matter. This will end. Im almost in college. This is bullshit. I know that i'm pushing everyone away. I know that i'm making myself be alone. Im deadly afraid of being alone. I guess though, if I havent killed myself yet than I must be getting somewhere. Dont complain that I push people away when you are pushing me away. I'm not pushing anyone away, im just not putting up with your shit anymore.

One year. One year and I will be gone.

Be strong now, because things will get better. It might stormy now, but it can't rain forever.

Help i'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer.

I wanna be better than you. I wanna be so much better that I won't have to compare myself to you all the time.

There are days when I feel bad about being bitch. There are days when I just don't care and feel like telling everyone to go fuck themselves. I don't think I can put into words how much I hate labels. The term 'bisexual' is extremely offensive to me. If you like the same sex, even if you still like the opposite, you are still gay to me. There is no pansexual, bisexual, none of that shit in my vocabulary. It pisses me off so much. Yeah, im confused on what I want. It seems one day, all I want is girls but then some guy comes along and I think "hm, maybe I could date him." A lot of the times, I think that I don't really like that person at all but im just tired of being alone. Sometimes, I can't wait til I leave here. I just got here. I've only been here for a year and I already can't wait to leave. I'm stuck on trying to make myself look better and be better but I don't really think im doing it for myself. Im doing it because I want to be better than her. Im doing so maybe, MAYBE someone might see me and think im cute and talk to me or something. Im confused with myself. I dont know what I want, who I am, anything.

I think im just nothing.

Everyone hates me. ok.

Lindsay has been ignoring me. Everytime I try and talk to her, ignored. I thought she just didn't feel like talking to me at first but then this morning she snapped on me when I was talking to Marley. I said "I hate when people use yolo as an excuse to do a bunch of shit" because we were talking about yolo and Lindsay was like "I hate when other people call people whores." I think she was talking about how I call her a WHORE-ibble person but I thought that was mine and hers inside joke :( Maybe she is just upset because of her girlfriend. Eh, I don't even feel like dealing with it. I guess she can hate me. I won't talk to her anymore -.-

I thought me and Matthew were doing fine. We werent talking to each other but we werent being bitches to each other either. Well, until today. He keeps whispering to Jessica everytime I say something. I dont understand why he just doesnt say it out loud because Jessica is closer to me than she is him so of coarse she is going to tell me either way. He is just being a bitch I guess. I don't know why. When he texted me and said that he wanted to be friends again and I said no, I thought we were okay and at least going to be civil. I guess that's too much to ask of a drama queen.

I guess its whatever. Today was a better day than yesterday was. Im still pretty tired but at least I havent cried at all today. For some reason I really started to miss my uncle today. I wanna see him. I dont know why just because our whole family doesnt like him, I cant talk to him. I love him for his flaws and all his mistakes even though they were really bad.. I dont care. le sigh.

And how am I supposed to pretend I never wanna see you again?

April 2nd. A day I have been dreading. Thank the lord it is finally over though.

I wanted to make a new blog but I dont think I should. Ill probably forget about this one and I wanna see/keep all of my blog posts. Also, im too lazy to make another blog and I keep wanting to but ya know.. -.-

This day was as shitty as I thought it would be. All during spring break, I went to sleep at 5am and woke up at 3pm everyday. Naturally, I didnt get tired until 5am yesterday and thats what time I had to get up so I basically pulled an all nighter throughout school. I was hoping today would be a good day but then I was reminded of how much I hate school. Fuck. Why can't I be a senior so I can be graduating in 36 days BUT NO I have a whole nother year. I was so tired. Everything was going by like a blur. I don't even remember half of the stuff I did. I was so tired that I wouldnt stop laughing in my last period and I was completely out of it. Kim was like "go get me so eggs" and I brought back some butter. I kept messing up on everything.

A year ago from today, Morgan asked me out. I wish I didnt remember. I wish I could forget everything. She probably didnt remember. I prayed that she wouldnt be here today but I was let down. She always comes on the days I don't want her to. I think I started crying a little bit when I saw her but I don't remember. For some reason, I kept looking at her hands. I remember when we were going out, my fav thing was to hold her hand. I loved her hands. FUCK MAN. Why do I think about things that hurt me? Why are you putting me through this. I dont understand what help this brings me. To face my fears? UGH I DONT KNOW FUCK JESSICA YOU CONFUSE ME WITH YOUR CLICHES.

Jeordin is moving on Monday. I dont know what im going to do. She doesnt want people to know and act any different around her but of coarse people will pay more attention to her. When you have the last piece of candy you like to savor it before you eat it. I dont know. I feel as if Jeordin was a big part of my life here. Jeordin was one of the first people ive ever met. If it wasnt for Jeordin I would have never met Morgan. Jeordin has made me feel better so many times. I look up to her so much. I don't want to believe that im never gonna see her again. Im confused on why im even so close to her though and why she means so much to me. It wasnt like we were best friends so why does her going away make me so upset? Im going to miss her with all my heart. I love you, Jeordin.

I came home and maxxie left this big pile of shit in her cage for me to clean up. Greta decided she wanted to get out of her cage and got the poop all over the cage so I had to clean the cage too. She tore up all the garden stuff in the garage that I didnt even see until mom pointed it out. Then, she got out of our fence and got filthy and ran away from me while the neighbors saw me chase her around. After I finally got everything cleaned up, I sat on the couch and cried. Jeordin texted me and I got to see Sarah's boobs. She'll probably regret putting them on the internet later. I sat down and did a little of my homework. I still have yet to do all of it which I probably wont do now because I don't feel like it. I went upstairs to sleep for a little bit because I havent slept all day. I woke up at 11pm and came downstairs hungry as fuck. My mom wouldnt let me eat anything because she said it was too late and I was like "well wtf why didnt you wake me up when dinner was ready?". She has been being really mean like all week. Her period should be over by now -.- I dont even know. I dont wanna be at school because it fucking sucks. I dont wanna be at home because it fucking sucks. But I dont know where I wanna be. Somewhere where im happy I guess. Im never happy though.