I forgive you.

There are times when I just wanna lay down and never get up.

I texted Jeordin today and it was actually kind of nice. I'm still not sure what she feels about me but she helped me open my eyes a little bit. I love that about her. How she can read someones emotions so well and just tell them to you. There are some people who hate to talk about things that hurt them because they are scared of realizing anything. I, am not this way. I'd rather know than not know because it will kill me if I don't. We started about how Morgan fucked me over and such and she explained to me how she felt about it. All of the words she said made me realize so many things and I promised myself that I would never forgive Morgan but I think now I can. I see now where she was coming from. I see why she did the things she did. Yeah, she did them in all the wrong ways but she did them because she has a heart and I didn't see this before. It makes me feel like crying because now I feel like a bitch. Jeordin said that the reason im always getting mad at her and talking to her is because im trying to hold onto her anyway I can. She's right. I didn't realize until now but whenever I try to be friends with her its only because I wanna be closer to her again. I get mad at her because I wanna be even more closer to her and I never realized this until now. I do believe that I am over her though. It seems to other people that I still love her and blahblah and they are right. I do still love her. But I don't love her as my girlfriend. I don't love her as someone who I want to be with. The last months of our relationship, im pretty sure I got very close to her. I felt like she was my best friend. She was my best friend. I miss her always being there for me. I miss having someone to tell all of my feelings to and she would actually care and listen. My friends now are hard to tell things to because I always feel like im bothering them. I never felt like I was bothering her. It might have been she was such a good friend because she was my girlfriend but I dont care. I dont even know how to explain this. Why can't I stop crying. I dont know. I just wanted to say I forgive you for the things I didn't see before.

"Friendship is not capable of ending. If it does it's only because it never existed."

I have so much respect for both of you.

This isn't any of my business, I know but I don't know why it affects me so much. I feel like i'm reading a book and when something sad happens, I cry because it's sad. It kind of feels like this. I look up to you so much. I wish me and you could have become closer because i've always felt the need to comfort you, to be there for you. When you used to talk to me and you told me that everyone leaves you, I wanted to be that one person that stayed.

I love you. You're my best friend and I think you may be one the best bestfriends ive ever had. I know I may not be your best friend like I used to be anymore and I know I may hurt you a lot because I always get upset with you because you left me with someone. She was right. There are so many things you don't know or realize but I love you so much for this. You have been there for me through thick and thin and a lot of the times I feel like ive been the worst friend ever because when you cry, I have no idea what to do. If someone I barely knew cried I would know how to make them feel better but with you its just..... blank. I feel terrible about it and i'm sorry I couldn't be there for you like she is. I'm sorry i've lost your attention. I still love you though and I don't think my love for you could ever go away.

I'm so sorry. I don't know how to put how I feel into words. I wish I was like you and could do it but I can't. My emotions can't be read by me.

Girl, you talk too much. Shuddup.

Today was actually a great day <3 I was really happy all day. Jessica has come to the conclusion that all my hair was all the depression and it was weighing me down and now that I cut it off, I will now be happy. I think I agree with her. Zack kind of hurt my feelings today because he said I look like willy wonka and then when I told him I wasnt talking to him anymore he was like "You're so emotional. That's why your gf broke up with you." It kind of hurt my feelings a lot lol. But I got over it because everyone told me how nice my hair looked and I got so much attention. <3 tbh I really love attention a lot haha. I don't complain. :)

Im so confused on what I wanna be and what to do. le sigh. I think I may like this one guy but im not sure if I wanna act upon it because I told myself that I want to be with a girl because guys always annoy me in the end anyway. ugh.

I got cho back.

Today has actually been a good day even though I have been cleaning all day. I woke up at like 1 pm today and after I ate, I went straight to work cleaning the whole dining room area. It looks so nice and shiny and I love how my hair looks up x3 While I was cleaning, I was thinking of what Jennifer told me yesterday on the phone. She gave me this big whole long boring speech or something but I stopped listening half way through. The part I did listen to was the part I was thinking about though. She said something about me hating them because Morgan broke up with me or some shit. Morgan said the same thing to me the other day. It pisses me off how they think that. -.- If I were talking to them I would tell them that that isnt the reason and they are idiots for even thinking that. If that was the case, I would hate every person that rejected me. I hate them because Morgan gave me no repect. They also don't know the reason I called her immature. I called her immature because she thinks that just because she really cares about someone that means that she can treat them like the best person in the world. She said she knew we werent gonna last which was why she treated me badly. This is the reason why I hate her and called her immature. She should have just broken up with me instead of treating me like shit. A MATURE person would not have cheated on me then lied to my face or treated me like straight shit when we were dating even though I gave her the world. I lost so much because of her. I lost my car. I lost my parents trust at one time too. I lost so many things just for her. She treated me badly, then cheated on me, and then put me through hell afterwards and these stupid bitches think its because she broke up with me. Seriously? I don't think I will ever forgive you for treating me like this. The reason I hate you, Jennifer is because you just don't know when to stop and then you always blame me for everything. You may say that im starting this because im writing this down or whatever but this blog helps me remember things. If I write this down on a piece of paper, Ill probably lose the piece of paper or something. This will be here always. I look at all my previous posts at least once a week so I can remember every little detail. I dont do this to start shit unless you make me mad. I hate the fact that you think you know me too. You always say "You're so much better than this blahblah" We talked for.... maybe 2 weeks? I didn't even show you how I really was. Im not weak and I am a bitch when I want to be. You think you're stronger than me? You might be but I know i'm strong too. I've changed a lot ever since Morgan and I broke up. This, is the only thing I will ever thank her for.

Should'a sent a thank you note, ya little hoe.

Today was an amazing day. I went and got a haircut and its so short and I keep playing with my cut off hair that im donating and I miss it so much. I never noticed how pretty it looked until it got cut. You never appreciate anything till you don't have it anymore. I went to the mall with Matthew after my haircut so we could look at the hunger games stuff in hottopic <3 ugh I cant wait till the hunger games come out. Its going to be amazing. I wanted to wait til monday to show everyone my hair but I saw hayden at the mall today. Then Jessica came and I saw her too -.- pretty soon I started seeing everyone. Im happy everyone liked my hair though. I was scared that it would look bad but it ended up turning out good. I saw Kayla at the mall too. She is so cute, I probably looked like a nerd to her or something.

After the mall, Matthew and I went to the movies. At the beginning of the movie, stupid bitch Jennifer called me. She got pissed because I mentioned her on THE INTERNET and she told me I need to write my feelings on a piece of notepaper. Okay, Jennifer, I guess you are reading this now since you wanna be all up in my shit and read my blog so this is just for you. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU. You said I fucked with the wrong girl? Okay, come at me bro. I don't care what you do because I don't care about you. I stopped caring when you decided that you wanted to be a stupid hoe. You don't like your name on my blog? You don't like it on the internet? I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. You think i'm a kid? WELL BITCH, I am a kid. I'm not in a hurry to grow up. I never said I wasn't immature. You don't wanna be in all this "high school drama"? Then maybe you shouldn't be a fucking pedo and go out with someone still in high school when you are about to 19 years old. Seriously? You called me, hun. I'm getting sick of you saying you don't want any drama but then you're always the one who messages me. You're always the one who texts me or calls me or sends me a friend request. Ever noticed that? YOU put yourself in this position. I don't mind this drama, I really don't so I don't care if I start it.  I think its fucking hilarious but if you don't like it then stay out of it. I'm not the one bringing you into it. k :) btw, learn how to fucking spell, 19 yr old.

Overall my mood is wonderful. Today was wonderful<3

Fuck you.

"Look this is Morgan. You're really pissing me off with all this shit you keep doing. I try not to talk to you lately bc I don't want to start anything. You said I was too immature for a relationship, well you seriously need to open your eyes and look to see who's actually being immature. You need to grow up and realize that what we had was in the past, that jennifer does not want to be your friend. Did you expect her to break up with me and be your best friend after you insulted her? I want nothing to do with you and neither does she. And quit telling her she can do better than me bc you have no idea how I treat her. I treat her so much better than I ever treated you bc I truly love her. With you I knew it was just a high school fling. I can see a future with jennifer that I never saw with you. So i'm asking you nicely to please leave us alone. We're happy, can you please just accept that and forget about our old memories and look forward to new memories with someone else."


This pisses me off so much I just wanna punch something over and over again till I bleed. I just want to put this on my blog so whenever I look through my blog posts I can read this and remember to NEVER forgive you, you stupid ugly ass fucking cunt licking bitch. I want you out of my life so badly. I wish you would drop off the face of the earth. I hope one day you can feel how I feel and know all the hurt you have caused me. It may be easy for YOU to get over me because you stopped loving me and realized all this shit about how you didnt really love me and blahblah and the love you told me you had for me wasnt even real. The love I had for you was real because I dont lie like you do. I'm sorry that you broke my heart then cheated on me then left for someone else and now I feel like an idiot because this whole time you were cheating on me and you felt so different than I felt about you. I cried every fucking night and you think this is a fucking joke and you dont even say sorry and you STILL lie to me even after everything is over so you can just hurt me more. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. I wanna bitch slap you in the face so badly. You and Jennifer are always the ones coming into MY life. Jennifer is always talking to me and acting like she is my friend. Bitch, I hate you. I hate both of you and I hope she does hurt you. I hope you make the same mistake twice and you get the pain that you deserve. You too, faggot. 

And by the end of the day, I cant keep the tears in.

Today I tried to bake little cakes. It lasted about 5 hours trying to make it all. After I was done making the cakes and icing and everything, I threw it all away and then went outside and cried. My mom didn't know I was out there and she locked me out which was pretty funny. I threw all the cakes away except one. I made this one really special and I put strawberrys on it and icing and I made it look all fancy and nice. I showed it to my mom and she said "That's nice." I don't know why but whenever I bake, I feel like her opinion is the only one that matters. When I made my first cookie and she told me how delicious it was I just wanted to make more and have everyone tell me how good they were. I love it when I make something and someone tells me that its really good. It's one of the reasons I love to bake so much. I want everyone to tell me how good it is because it makes me feel like i'm actually worth something, like I have a purpose. I don't know. I don't know why I keep crying. I wish I would stop though.

The circus is in town and I really wanna go. I have no one to go with though. The other day , Jon told me that if I died so many people would miss me. I got to wondering who would really miss me besides my family? Not many people would. I got to really thinking who's lives I really made a difference in and I don't think Ive actually made a difference in anyone's. Some day's I just wanna sleep forever. I think everyone feels that one once in a while. I hate when people come up to me and say "don't say that! everyone cares about you!". It makes me mad when I hear that because most of the people that say that are the ones that never text me. Never talk to me first. Never ask me to hang out or what i'm doing or if im okay or something. Never. Only one person has really been there for me and always asked me and always talks to me but that one person is one that I dont really want to talk to. I feel like I should talk to him and we should be best friends again or something but i'm tired of everyone betraying me. I'm tired of people taking my trust and breaking it. I don't want to do it any more. I just want to get away from everyone. I know he is trying his best to gain my trust back but I dont want to give it back to him. I know I should probably give him a second chance but I really don't want to. I don't know about anything but I think I feel better and I don't know what else to say. I forgot.

Jennifer.

This has been on my mind so much lately and I didn't know how to say it or put it into words.

I hate that you are with her. You deserve so much better. I was with her for a really long time. I was her first girlfriend. I know how she is. She has changed so much and a lot of the bad stuff I blame myself for. I don't think she is mature enough to be in a relationship. She doesn't know anything. The bad ones you should just keep away from because they are always the ones you are drawn to and the ones will end up hurting you the most. You always think that I want her back. I don't. I don't even know why you think this. Why would I want someone who cheated on me and broke my heart back? Only a really dumb person would want someone like that back. I do care about you. There was a time when me and you were friends and I grew to care about you a lot and I actually care about your feelings, I do. I know I may say some bitch things to you but that's because i'm mad at you because I think you have made the wrong choice in what you are doing. You always tell me to always make good choices and don't make the same mistakes you have but you are making the same mistake over again. I know you may 'love' her but I loved her once too. Love blinds you from the truth.

I had a lot more to say but I forgot the rest. I'm still not sure if I will let you see this or not but I just needed to get it out. Even if I do let you read this you probably won't care but at least I told you.

Missing the little things I never appreciated.

Last night, I was reading this blog and most of them were about Morgan. It kind of made me sad because I miss all the little things she used to do and I would never appreciate it at all. I mean, I hate her but I still miss the things we did and went through. I miss all those sweet things she did for me like kiss my forehead or tell me she loved me even though I was mad at her and didn't say it back. I've realized now that the reason she probably cheated on me and left me was because i'm an emotional bitch but I dont care. She left for a reason and i'm glad she did because we had a terrible relationship and we were always fighting. I know now what a real relationship is like and I long for one of those every day. I was watching Wall-E today and I cried because it was so cute. I cry every time I watch it because I wish someone cared about me as much as Wall-E cares about Eve. I hate that I always think about the past. I always think of all the things we used to do and I miss it so much and want it back. I don't want to do those things with you but with someone better than you. Someone who will actually love me. I hope that person comes along soon. I'm tired of waiting.

I don't want to survive, I wanna live.

You're the one that I've been looking for.

My mom and I went prom dress shopping today. We couldn't find a single dress because all of them were sizes too small for me or they showed too much skin and wouldn't look good on me or something or another. I wanted to cry because I wanted to find a dress and look really beautiful for one day in my life. I guess there is always next year.

Today I really didn't do anything. I havent done anything all week but lay around and have little human interaction as possible. Sometimes I feel as if the whole world is against me and I just need to shut everyone out. I feel like I can't trust anyone because in the end, I will just end up getting hurt. I want someone so badly though. I'm tired of being alone. I just want someone that will always be there for me no matter what. I can hold them and kiss them whenever I want or when they are sad and they will do the same for me because they love me. I hate the fact that I sat and wasted a big part of my life and some whore who cheated on me and left me for someone else. I gave her everything and I hate that she took everything and left me with nothing except the pieces of my heart. I hate how everyone thinks i'm not over her. I am over her. I dont think anyone understands what its like to be hurt how I have been and its not something you can get over in a few months. It takes a while to heal and its hard doing it all by myself like I am. People who tell me that its in the past and I need to get over it, FUCK YOU. Lemme break your arm and then tell you its in the past so get over it. I bet that won't go over too well for you will it?

Today, Jennifer posted something about how she must have been drunk when she was going out with her ex and then she made a comment about how while her ex downgraded she upgraded and that cheaters and liars were stupid cunts or something like that. Of coarse I couldnt resist putting my 2 cents in and I said "LOL ive been laughing for 5 minutes reading this. You upgraded? no, you downgraded. bad. oh, I especially laughed when you said that thing about cheaters and liars." then she got mad and told me to stfu bc it wasnt her fault morgan wanted her and not me. WELP. I hate when she says that. I hate that she thinks im not over her. and I hate that she thinks she is the hottest thing since sliced bread. I mean, she is cute but she isnt shdishdihsa yum cute. but she unfriended me which she will probably friend me again later like she always does. I shouldnt have put myself in this and start drama but there are some things that you just cant keep in.

Today is Monday and I need to read past chapter 15 in my book by Wednesday. Im still on chapter 1. I dont know what everyone else is talking about but I think this book is really boring. I keep falling asleep trying to read. The beginning is always slow. I hate books like that. I'm getting really bad at doing school work lately. Le sigh. I wish I could hurry up and be in college and away from everyone and be doing my own thing. Focusing on what I actually wanna do in life. I guess you have to go through the bad stuff to get to the good stuff.


I just wish all the bad stuff would be over. I think i've had enough.