I can do this by myself. Just you sit and watch.

If my life is mine, what shouldn't I do?

I feel weird blogging on here now.

I should probably be outside right now. Everyday i'm stuck in this house doing nothing but sitting here. My mom wants me to clean but I think its fucking stupid for me to be spening my spring break cleaning. Its already Friday and I have not done one single fun thing. Sitting here by myself in this house is driving me crazy. All I can do is get on facebook and see all the pictures and status's of everyone having fun at the fucking beach or some where else fun. I love facebook but sometimes its hard to take. What I started to look forward to is going outside at night. The night before last, Josh asked me to come outside and walk with him. I did. He told me about all his troubles. I tried to tell him about mine but it didnt seem he was listening or he was just waiting for me to get done so he could talk. I was fine with just listening. Im glad I could help at least one person. Just keep your own feelings to yourself. Everyone else is too busy dealing with their own problems to think about yours. You can see the stars so clearly from my neighborhood. Its beautiful. I love it so much. I started going walking every night because of it. Oh and the toads. There are way too many toads in my neighborhood. and they are so loud :/ idk how people even sleep. But they always go out on the road which I think is dumb because they always get ran over. I saw 4 dead frogs on the road and I didn't get to see any live ones. I was so disappointed. Maybe i'll see one today :3 Yep. So I guess thats pretty much my spring break. blehhh.

We're all so close yet so far apart.

I miss you.
Why does this happen? Why do I go a long time without thinking of you and then all of I sudden, I look at you and all the memories come back? I miss you so much. I miss all of the moments we had. I always over think this. I always look into it and just try to find a reason behind it like "oh, I only miss her because of the memories we had" blahblahblah. Why can't I just accept it? I love you. I still love you and probably always will. The problem is, I can't have you and probably never will. I hate when I see you and you make my heart go all sidsoidoso like it used to but you don't care. You don't even look at me anymore. I want that look that you used to give me back. Why am I even thinking like this? Its no use. You love her. She still loves her ex. and I love you.

Its a shame I have no friends. Today, I really felt alone. Jessica wasnt at school. We arent close anymore. I really do hate it. One thing I long the most for is that one bestfriend. That bestfriend that we do everything together and so much shit together. A bestfriend I can text all the time and we can laugh and have inside jokes. I want that so badly. I want that more than anything else.

I really wanted to go to prom. I look so ugly though. I hate how fat I am. I want to be skinny so bad and I know what I have to do, I just don't feel like doing it. I can't bring myself to not eat because I love food so much and I don't want to exercise because im lazy. Even if I lose weight I probably still won't be pretty. I wanted prom to be that one night I can get all ready for and I can feel like the prettiest girl in the world. I knew it wasn't going to happen this year which was why I didn't wanna go. Also, I didn't have anyone to go with. Going to prom by yourself is depressing. I wanted to have a bunch of friends to go with too. I don't have any friends. Jessica and Hayden were talking about all the stuff they were going to do for prom. I wanted to sit there and bawl my eyes out.

I stopped caring about everything. I thought I was depressed before but I think this is what true depression feels like. I just don't care. I stopped caring about my grades. I stop caring who likes me and who doesnt. I stopped caring who I hurt. I just wanna go to sleep. Forever and ever. Never wake up because in my dreams i'm who I wanna be. I have who I wanna have and I have a lot of friends who are always there for me and never make me feel so alone.

Scream and shout and tell everybody that you're gonna leave.

I refuse to let this happen again. I dont know why you are even bitching. Why do you always have to be like this and whine about fucking everything? You get mad at me for some stupid shit just because you are in a bad mood then you get mad because I didnt talk to you? I'm sorry that I dont wanna talk to you because you're always being a bitch. Be lucky I didnt fucking talk to you because if you would have snapped on me like you did Jessica, shit would have gone down. Jessica takes so much shit from everyone and she takes it from me too but I still really dislike it and wish everyone, including me, would stop. ANYWAY after you piss me off and I tell you to leave me alone, you decide to send me this.

"Forgiveness is the economy of the heart. Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred,the waste of spirits."

BITCH FUCKING PLEASE. How many times have I forgiven you for all the shit you have done? I know I have my faults, but you're just a whiny bitch that has to complain and make a comment about fucking everything. I don't lie to my friends and ive told you many times that you annoy the fuck outta me with all the shit you do and you say that im at fault too. If you dont fucking like it, you dont have to be my friend. This shit is the same shit that happend with Morgan. All we did was fight, make up, fight, makeup and I promised that this would never happen again and yet im doing it with you. Im not doing it. Ive "forgiven" you so many times so sorry that your little quote that you looked up on the internet will go to waste because im not forgiving you anytime soon. Actually no, I am forgiving you, im just not telling you. I only wanna do things and have people in my life that make me happy and you arent one of them. All you do is bring me headaches so im kicking you out of my life before I regret it like I did with her.

She is a woman who has learned not to believe in promises or dreamers.

Why does this make me so upset? I shouldn't even be bothered by it. I shouldn't even deal with it. I think I just want a reason to think about you and have something with you again. No. I don't need anything with you and I dont want anything with you. I will just ignore this. I don't understand why your starting shit though. Things were going fine. You told Matthew that I was talking about you? I never do. I try and keep your name out of my mouth. Maybe it was Jeordin. I did talk to her about you. hm. I think it was. If you are mad for that reason, then thats dumb. Whatever. I think Jennifer is rubbing off on you and you just wanna be a bitch just because. Lord, I hope you don't turn out like her. Please don't become her.

You sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found.

My mother told me today that I can start driving on April 1st. I just noticed that next month was April. If me and Morgan were still together, April 2nd would have been our one year anniversary. It pisses me off so much that when I remembered this, I started to cry and now I will be probably be dreading that day. It makes me so sad how much she hates me but all I want to do is make her happy.

I want someone to be here for me and to love me and I promise, whoever you are that comes along, I will treat you right and never let you go because I now know how it feels to be without you and I will always appreciate being with you because I didn't before and I lost you and its one of the biggest things I will ever regret in my whole life.

I really need to read. This book is killing me. I hope I did good on my math test. I can't wait for the weekend to be here. Le sigh.

Reasons why I love girls.

1. They have boobs. Boobs are always good. <3 
2. They always smell really sweet and nice :3 
3. How they always take a lot of effort to look good but are really cute either way. 
4. The way their legs feel right after they shaved. 
5. They always have the nicest smile. 
6. They are so cute when they try and argue with you 
7. They are INSANELY cute when they get all jealous and try and hide it. 
8. How they show their affection so easily. 
9. The way they know just the right way to make your heart flutter. 
10. How you can hold them and they feel so nice and soft. 
11. They always have really soft, pretty hair. 
12. They have long eyelashes and amazing eyes. 
13. They are moody but they actually show emotion when you want them to. 

Note: This will be updated each time I think of a new reason. 

I thought I was happy. Guess im just fooling myself again.

You have the lowest self esteem and the foggiest mirror.

I went to the store with my mom today and we got a bunch of food and stuff :3 Our house actually looks alive today. A lot of people say "why do you love my house? its so small and not as amazing as yours." well, my house may be big but the bad thing about having a big house is that it feels empty. Little houses have so much things in it and so many memories where as our house has no memories since we just got this house but it actually did feel alive today. I got this really pretty white orchid. I named her gorgeous because she really is.

^ She's pretty, I know.

After not eating sweets for 2 weeks, I lost 5 pounds. Its funny because it doesnt feel like ive lost any weight at all. But im really happy. I don;t think I could have resisted temptation without God though. If I was doing this for myself, I would have failed a long time ago but I havent because im doing it for him, I guess. I do feel like ive gotten closer to him and this makes me a lot more happier. <3

Ive had a couple doubt about Jon lately. Not only do I not wanna be way into him because im scared but also we are extreamly different. I read my horoscope and our compatibility and it said that we might be a good couple at first but it will get boring soon because we won't have a spark and I think that is exactly what will happen. It scary how my horoscopes are always usually right. Not only this but i dont know.. I really want to be with a girl. I think I may just like him because of his comfort and I feel that he is a really good friend and I do wanna be there for him but I dont think I really want a relationship with him. I want to be with a girl so badly. I wish I was attractive enough for one.

I want a cat.

I want a cat that looks like this. Black cat with pretty blue eyes <3 I will name him/her Luna. Yesterday, I fell in love with Princess the cat. She is so adorable and she is always attacking my feet xD Jon said it was because animals love things that stink -.- </3 whatever. But I thought she was adorable and I really want a cat now.

Dreams can, in fact, teach us things about ourselves that we are unaware of.

Last night, I texted Jon and told him that I missed him. He said I woke him up from a bad dream he was having. I thought about dreams for a little bit. I realized that I never have any dreams at all. At first, I thought this was really bad so I googled it. Turns out most people have dreams because I couldn't find anything on anyone asking if not having dreams was a bad sign. Some scientist or whatever said that when you dream you can find out things about yourself or answer questions that you really wanted to know but apparently your brain is thinking while you are sleeping because it doesn't have to focus on helping you move or helping you think about things that you think about when you are awake. I don't think I have a very active brain because mine never thinks. Babies have the most dreams because they don't have to think about as much things as we have to think about. I think that's why babies are always crying. When they wake up crying I think its because they had a bad dream. Maybe babies always have a lot of good dreams which is why they sleep so much. My mom said that I never slept when I was little. She told me I was the best baby out of her 2 others because when I was a baby, I never really cried. I had sleeping problems and I never liked to sleep which was probably the only thing she hated about me as baby xD but she said I never cried. I only ever cried when I was hungry. I don't think I had many dreams when I was little. :(

There are certain times when I do have dreams. Once in a great while. Usually my dreams are a bunch of memories put together or it will just be certain things that happened recently and a weird story to go along with it. A lot of the memories I have are mostly about my dad. About all the times I had with him. There are times when I think of a memory I had and I miss him a lot. Sometimes I think that the reason I can't remember all of the things about when I was little was because he had a lot to do with it and I don't want to remember any of it. Or sometimes I think I don't want to remember what it was like when I was younger and was always depressed and used to cut myself because of how unhappy I was with the way I looked or the way my dad treated me. I realized that I never like to think about the past. I'm always thinking about the future. I don't think im content with that though. I want to remember my past. My dreams are the only way to remember and now I don't have them at all or I don't even remember them. I want to dream. I want to remember.

And I believe that its easier for you to let me go.

I spent the whole day with Jon today. It was actually a lot of fun and I love his house so much. <3 I love talking to him and I love the way he smells and the way he listens to me and is so nice to me. We spent most of the day on the couch watching movies and tv and such. I think I may have dissapointed him a little because I wasnt really that interested/didnt know any of the music that he was talking about and his guitar. He seemed okay with it though. We sat on the couch in his amazing house (that I love so much <3 I wanna live in that house) and we cuddled and I held his hand. I asked him if he was going to kiss me and he said no because I wasnt his girlfriend. It surprised me a lot because I thought we would end up kissing by the end of the day but we never did.  His dad's girlfriend has the most adorable cat ever. I want a cat now just because of how much I love that one. On the ride home, I got really quiet because I was thinking and I could tell he knew I was thinking about something. A lot of the things that happend, a lot of the things we talked about was his life and his childhood and how he didnt like his mom or his dad and he fought with his sister and it seemed like he didnt have anyone to fall back on because I dont think he had many close friends. His mom called him while we were together and he ignored the call. I'm not sure he knew how to take the affection I was giving him either. All of these things happened the same way with her.

I'm scared. I feel like this is happening all over again. I dont want it to. I don't wanna like him. I wanna stop but I wanna be there for him at the same time. I'm sorry, I don't know what to do.

Fuck it, I don't know why but I love you too.

Im so nervous. Tomorrow, Im going over to Jon's house. I don't know how I will act but im probably gonna be all lame and quiet and shit and idek lol. I hope it turns out to be good tomorrow though. Today, Quintin tried the mood calculator on me and it said im in love and he kept making jokes about how I was in love with Jon -.-

A couple of days ago I met this girl, Destiny. She is really cute and when I first met her she told me that her and her bf were always fighting and she was thinking about breaking up with him. We started talking more and such and she is really sweet. Last night, she told me her best friend said that she wanted to date her when her and her bf broke up and I was like "wtf she needs to backup because I asked you first" and she told me I made her night hahsashdhosad x3 I dont know if she is ever gonna break up with him though so im not focusing all on her and such. I'm pretty sure Jeordin likes her and if she does I was just gonna back up but she told me it was cool (which I think she is lying) so whatever.

Jessica is really starting to piss me off. Ive been trying really hard to still be her friend and try and get as close to her as possible but she is always just shutting me down. When I actually wanted to hang out with her and she told me we should hang out at the chilli thing which is fucking stupid because thats like working. Its not even fun. But I agreed with it because I wanted to spend time with her because im tired of always being the 3rd fucking wheel. It fucking sucks being second and having to be always behind someone. Im getting so sick of it and I think ive had about all I can take. When I talk to her she acts like she doesnt even wanna talk to me. Im done trying to get your attention and try to still be your friend. You wanna act like you don't wanna talk to me? fine. Ill give you what you want. If you wanna be my friend you can try and see how it feels to try as hard as I am right now. She says that people walk all over her and such but she doesnt realize that she does the same thing but in a different way -.-

uhgohsosadho I dont know what i'm gonna wear tomorrow. Or saturday when I go to gallery. le sigh.