Don't wake me, I plan on sleeping in.

Poopie.

Self-hatred. I have really been disliking myself lately. I dunno what it is. I have been feeling so fat lately that all I ever want to wear it a t-shirt and my hoodie. I haven't even gained one pound though but when I look in the mirror or even the way I feel, it feels as if ive gained like 20. Bleh. Been feeling so ugly lately that I don't even see the point in wearing makeup anymore because I still feel ugly.

This anxiety is building up. I feel like i'm gonna get pregnant because that's just the way my life fucking goes. I know there isn't really a chance of me getting pregnant but I think about it all the time. I'm praying that I really don't and I wish I could just go get a test and find out instead of me worrying to death until my holy period comes. It's literally nerve wrecking and I can't stop having this terrible nausea. Fuck, I hate this. Ugh I really dislike that guy. THIS FUCKING NIGGA HOW THE FUCK IS HE GONNA FUCKING HIT IT AND QUIT IT THEN FUCKING DELETE ME OFF FACEBOOK WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I really wanted to just text him and fucking let him feel my fucking wrath but I really didn't feel like dealing with that shit so I won't but fucking still. Good lord, I'm glad I won't have to see him next year.

If I don't end up pregnant, I am promising to stay off guys because lord knows the only reason I am ever even attracted is because i'm lonely and ill kiss any guy that gives me attention. I'm going strictly girls and hopefully i'll be able to stay that way. I really want a kitten so fucking bad. :(

Just fucking fuck everything. I'm so glad its almost summer so I don't have to pay attention to the world.

My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the empire state.

So, I just looked through my blog and I saw the post before this was about you. It's funny how I tricked myself into thinking I liked you so much when I really didn't like you at all. oh okay. Awk.

It's a common thing to be out of line but it's getting old by the fifteenth time.

I've been contemplating on whether or not I should make a new blog or not. I decided against it. I don't feel like it.

It seems that I haven't written on here for forever because I don't think I was able to describe what I was feeling then put it into words. I should probably start from the beginning. I lost my virginity with someone I didn't love. The weird thing about it is that at first, like right after I did it, I was kind of regretting it. I don't regret it at all actually. Well, I mean, unless I get prego or something then I might... actually even if I do get prego I still wouldn't. It was a sort of hit it and quit it kind of thing. We haven't talked for quite sometime and it's weird because i'm okay with it. I didn't even cry over him when he ignored me. All I really feel is awkwardness. I was probably bad at sex but whatever I guess. Lord, I feel so lonely. This sounds kind of odd but I don't think I would mind having a baby. I can't wait til i'm old enough to have a child. That child will be the most loved child in the whole world. I'm going to do my best to never let my child feel as lonely as I do. Bolding this so I can remember. I hate talking to my feelings about anyone. "what's wrong?" "are you okay?" "you can talk to me about it." Is what I hear everyday. "Nothing is wrong, i'm just tired." constant lying. I hate talking about my feelings. "You're just being emotional." Fuck you. Fuck my feelings. Better yet, just fuck everything because i'm just an emotional fuck. Jeordin called me a dumbass. She told me I don't know the meaning of lonely. I guess so. After I had sex, I got high. Came to school high. I don't know why I haven't done this before. Going to school high is so great. I'm always over thinking, over analyzing everything but when I was high it was like.... I stopped thinking. It was great. I wish I was good enough for someone. I fucking suck. Why can't I be skinny. I just want to be a little pretty at least. I want someone to tell me i'm beautiful. I want to feel like someone actually cares about me. Who does? No one. It seems as if that every time I blog, i;m always crying while writing. Why do I even blog anymore. What am I doing. I started gaining a lot of weight. I'm surprised my parents didn't say anything about it. I was wearing this shirt that used to fit me pretty good but now it doesn't. Skinny skinny skinny skinny skinny skinny skinny. Maybe if I say it enough times, I can actually put my mind to it and do it. Maybe. All I do is come home and sleep. I wish I could sleep forever. I wish I could skip school everyday and just sleep. I guess that's enough of my depression post for today. Why am I always depressed? The ugliest of people usually are.

You

Good lord. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't stop thinking about you. I like you so much but I can't do shit about it. It makes me so mad. Everytime I see you, my heart does these little flip things. I don't want to fall in love and I hope that's not where im headed. I hope this is just a crush I will get over in time. I seriously don't know what to do about you but I feel like if I do nothing, this will just be shit til I get over it. I like you so much ugh.

Fucking ovaries. Why was I born a girl.

Holy fuck.

Shit fuck.

Everything has been pissing me off lately.

I hate that you think you're alone WHEN IM RIGHT FUCKING HERE. I hate the fact that no matter how hard I try, I cant ever get through. I've been on this subject for far too long and I don't understand why it still upsets me THIS FUCKING MUCH.

I can't fucking wait til summer. School is taking too fucking long. Next year WILL be the best year of my life. I do not fucking care. I will make it the best because its going to be my last year. After that, im fucking gone.

Why the fuck is Hannah doing this. I can't believe she lied to me. If she would have told me the truth, I wouldn't have cared. I can't believe she lied to Eliza too. I hope after all her new little weed buddies leaves her and fucks her over and she has no one left and she comes to Eliza, I fucking hope Eliza turns her back on her because she is fucking stupid.

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday dear nothing, Happy birthday to me.

I dont think i'm able to put what I feel into words. Today was my birthday. Why I thought it wasnt going to be horrible like the others, I dont know.

There are days when I really want to die and that's all I ever think about. There are days when I really want to start cutting again and if I see a razor, im probably going to use it. Today is one of those days. Ive actually been having a lot of those days lately.

ugh Mikalani. I like him so much but I always feel so awkward and not good enough and just stupid around him. I don't even want to try anymore because its so hard.

I've missed you so much. I'm glad you are in my life again because I need you now more than ever. Im kind of scared that the paper I turned in for English might have been a little too personal. I was crying while writing it. If she asks, ill tell her that its fiction.

I came home and cried my eyes out. After I was done, my dad asked me to come help do something. Neither of my parents told me happy birthday today.

So the hell with all that rubbish.

Lord. Why did I fall for you? You aren't even that great but it seems every time I look, I can't find anyone better. le sigh.

My family is getting worse. Or should I say my dad. I dont know. I guess both. My dad is never really home most of the time and when we is, he drinks a lot and he is a jerk to everyone. It makes me so mad. He is a jerk to me all the fucking time but he wants so much out of me. Like what the fuck. Are you supposed to make me like you by calling me names and treating me like shit. Is calling me fat supposed to make me get up and do some exercise? All it does is make me wanna sit in my room and cry. It makes me wanna eat and eat. You've been like this ever since I was a little girl. What happened to the nice you? What happened to the guy that was my dad when my real dad wasnt there for me? Now all you do is drink and say how much you hate your life. My life isnt easy either. You don't make it easier by making me feel bad about myself. All you do is make me wanna leave.

I know this isnt the right thing to do but I feel that I should. I know that one of these days, your world will come crashing down on you. I know that it feels nice now but it won't last forever. Nothing does. I made the mistake of believing it does and when it actually ended, I turned around to see no one there to help me. This is how you will end up. When you need me, I promise you that my back will turn. Right now, its simply too hard and impossible for me to avoid you. Its too hard to fix our schedule that we have down and right now, im sure I only have you but id rather have no one than have you because having you makes me hurt so much more. I wish you would only let go of me. You pay no attention to me. You don't see how much im hurting. I know you want to be there for me but I dont feel that its out of actual care or love. I think its just because its your personality. If that's the reason, which I know it is, then you can leave.

I dont want anyone in my life that doesnt matter. That's why im not friends with matthew anymore. If I come second, you dont matter. If you want to bring me down, you don't matter. If you wanna be a bitch, you dont matter. Lately, it seems many people have not mattered. This hurts now, but I know this is for the best. I know this will make me stronger which is the only reason why im doing this. All my life ive surrounded myself with people who don't matter. This will end. Im almost in college. This is bullshit. I know that i'm pushing everyone away. I know that i'm making myself be alone. Im deadly afraid of being alone. I guess though, if I havent killed myself yet than I must be getting somewhere. Dont complain that I push people away when you are pushing me away. I'm not pushing anyone away, im just not putting up with your shit anymore.

One year. One year and I will be gone.